At first I thought I could take on another persona. With this blog, I could pretend to be somebody, I thought. It’s easy to wear a mask because… you’ve only got to wear it – place it on your face and voila! you’re hidden.
I could wear a mask while I blog.
Nobody needs to know what I truly think and feel.
I can do away with feigning happiness.
I can write a lot of stuff without revealing much of myself.
Or so I thought…
Since the beginning of this month, I’ve been doing some research of what to do and what not to do, reading others’ blog posts, commenting and liking, absorbing as much ideas as I could to improve my blog. But I still felt that I was forgetting something.
Blogs should resonate some truth from the blogger/author. It should also reflect the personality behind every post. I once mentioned here that the most genuine of writers are the ones whose pieces are read again and again. Their writings are those pieces that are taken seriously and sometimes, taken to heart. I’ve come across bloggers and writers alike with sincere, honest, and genuine writing. I admire them and they inspire me. I realized that sincerity and honesty is their common denominator.
Could this be the very thing that I lack?
I think so.
Like I said earlier, it’s easy to wear a mask. I did that mistake for the past three weeks. I held back and chose to exclude a lot of things and kept it “safe”. But I wasn’t happy about it. Who is? My heart screams and tells me to be true to myself. This was the real reason why I decided to blog in the first place, apart from the sheer desire to write; I wanted to pour my heart out in writing, regardless of who reads my blog. I wanted, so badly, to be honest – to be able to share my true feelings… true ideas… true opinions. If the world outside this blog won’t allow me to be true, then this blog could just be my “safe place”… my “secret window”.
So, change of plans. Since my heart can no longer contain pretenses, I will, from this time on, be more honest and be less worried about what other people might say. I’m sick and tired of wearing a mask… of holding back… of putting up a façade that’s not me at all…
Who cares if I don’t write well?
Who cares if I write crappy stories? At least, my write-ups are “genuine articles” (get it?)…
Who cares if I veer away from my conservative upbringing?
Who cares if I offend the church?
Who cares if I use a curse word once in a while?
Who cares if I’m being impolite and arrogant?
Insert a whispering cautionary voice: You might get sued, girl.
Oh, okay. So, I will hold back a little… haha
Back to my “normal state”. My point here is that, I’m going to start using my true voice. Other bloggers I’ve come across used their own voices, and this is why I keep on reading and reading their posts. The blogs I “followed” have struck a chord in my heart, that is why I followed them in the first place. And dear reader, I’m a good follower and supporter. So, if you happen to be one of those bloggers that I follow, I just like to say Thank you, because you have definitely inspired me. I know it’s cliché and meaningless, but it is true. I “followed” you for a reason. I followed you even though you blog about things out of this world (which is really not my thing) because you dared to go beyond and dared to be true to yourself; you fought for what you love.
Since I am taking off this silly mask, I’m going to let you in on a few of my secrets; just a “few”, okay? Otherwise, I won’t have any mystery left in me. I secretly want to be mysterious, you know.
I hate my conservative upbringing. I’ve been living with conservative people my whole life and I’m so tired of it. I want to get out. I know I’m not a bad person, but staying in this little stifling world just brings out the worst in me. For some reason, I get easily provoked because I’m always hindered and forbidden to do things, think things, and say things. My mind is open to a lot of ideas and I like these ideas better than the ones I was led to believe. So what if I want to curse and swear once in a while? Is that such a bad thing? And why in the world am I not allowed to think and feel certain things? These are normal human feelings after all. Nobody’s going to stop me from crushing on Benedict Cumberbatch… nobody! It’s not wrong even though he is a very married man… is he really married?
I love my parents but I hate their stupid prides. They’re both smart and intelligent people. They are a match made in heaven – perfect for each other… too perfect, I guess. Now that they are at a stage where a lot of changes and transitions are going on, they can’t seem to figure out what to do and what to feel. They can’t seem to face change together so they end up fighting and arguing all the time. And I’m tired of hearing them go at it again… and again… and again… They’ve been growing apart and becoming different people.
I don’t understand why they can’t lower their prides once in a while and welcome the possibility of reconciliation. To them, they are both in the right; no questions asked. They can’t meet half-way… or maybe, they just refuse to. As their daughter, my heart breaks every time they fight. It’s like a part of me that was once whole, is being torn in two. No matter how much I try to keep it intact, it just falls apart.
I’ve tried so hard to share my “wisdom” about forgiveness and reconciliation, but they just won’t listen. This frustrates me. I know that I’ve said the right things, but if they both do not attempt to reconcile and if they both choose to remain in their own little worlds of contradicting illusory truths, they are a lost cause.
I hate that my parents’ current state affects me so much; it hurts.
I used to love running, but now, I don’t know how to properly begin again. Perhaps I lack motivation or maybe, I’m just plain lazy. Regardless, my treadmill is currently enveloped in dust. Should I begin tomorrow? Who knows? I have a hankering for some cardio right now. I just want to shake off the negative vibes and some of the nervousness that came with this decision to “take the mask off” and come out clean.
I’m 27, but I still love Phineas and Ferb. I’m also waiting for Murphy’s Law to top the P & F effect. I watch Disney, alright; don’t laugh at me. I love the colors of the show and the voices behind Candice, Jeremy, Mr. Flynn, Baljeet, Dr. Doofenshmirtz… oh, no. I should stop.
You see, this show taught me a lot of things – from culture to language to having fun… and most especially, to use my brain and think of something to do when you’ve got nothing to do. “I know what I’m gonna do today; I’m gonna blog!”
I used to have a perfect attendance in Church, but now, I’m positively “unchurched”. I still believe in God and all. I don’t question too much about religion or faith and the like. It’s just the hypocrisy and politics involved that I’m currently struggling with. I know I will understand it all in time, but for now, I need to step back and look at things from a different angle.
I don’t like wine. I’ve tried it, but the taste just doesn’t sit right with me. Don’t get me wrong; I tried to like it, but I guess, we just aren’t meant to be.
I secretly wish on a star for an iPhone (the latest model) or the Samsung Galaxy Edge (the latest model). Am I being too materialistic now? It’s a secret, after all. And do you know why I really wish it? It’s because I’m going to use it for taking good pictures and accessing social media in a faster and more efficient way.
Why don’t you wish for a good quality camera instead?
It’s because the good ones are way too expensive for the likes of poor me, you silly dear. Besides, the price of one fine DSLR camera can buy me … a year’s worth of decent food. I can’t go on without food. Haha.
Wait. I said I was going to divulge a “few” of my secrets. It seems like I could go on and on. I have to stop now, you see. Perhaps I could craft separate blog posts for my secrets and confessions. Yes, I will probably do that.
For now, however, I must say goodbye, reader… lest I be tempted to add more to these secrets and ruin my dignity forever. I’m so glad that I decided to take off this mask and just write and write using my natural voice. It feels good; it feels better. It just flows naturally, you see. I like it. It’s a new “blogging high” and I could get addicted to it.
Thank you to the bloggers and writers who inspired me to quit pretending and just be me.
I’m skipping with joy…
Weeeeee!!!! It feels so good to be free!