Don’t get me wrong, please. I’m not a “pedo” or some sick pervert with crafty notions of… Ah, what am I saying? Of course you already have notions in your head; first impressions and what not. My fault, really, for choosing this sucky introduction and not thinking further to improve such or to change it.

However, to digress from that sucky intro, I just wondered, really, whether I was the only one who has had this dream about her elementary school crush and seeing this guy’s face in a reality-esque dream context of adult drama where the guy considers introducing me (in my adult self) as his girlfriend to his mother . Throw in an advice-giving buddy who was my band-mate and ex-fling in high-school. These two guys do not know each other in real life.

One pauses to think why these guys were randomly thrown in together in a vivid female dream with interesting themes such as friendship, courtship, reconciliation, regret, etc. Do I have “unfinished businesses” with them? Unresolved issues, perhaps…?

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As I pause for this dream, I realize that, yes, I do have unaddressed issues with these guys! Perhaps this strange recalling process means to suggest that I should address my personal queries about them as best as I can, so that, I could finally have peace of mind and so that I could… move on. (Not the moving on type that happens after a lovers’ breakup or something; just the lighter version of it, I guess). I’m not sure about what I’m “moving on’ from, really. I believe that I am over them…

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How does one get over a childhood crush with unresolved issues anyway? Is it still considered a “crush” if you were constantly thinking about this person in the past and that you have done crazy things for him to notice you and possibly, to like you back? Is it really still a mere “crush” if this went on until way past the sixth grade – until a vague point in life where routine gradually drowned your feelings and memories? What is it called when you like someone and you struggle with such childish-liking and that this “struggle” went on for years, leaving you hanging with questions in your head until you were an adult?

I guess, however, that no matter how intriguingly intense these feelings are, they are still qualified under “crushing” – a petty and impish sort of a sweet regard towards somebody other than a celebrity or an anime character. What is this, really – a hybrid concocted between crush and infatuation? It’s crazy and mind-boggling, is all… this hybrid of a matter.

I kind of question why this kid kept running away from me at the slightest chance he could. He dashed towards hiding every time he saw me and every time I went near him. It was like he was allergic to me and that my proximity caused him to itch.

Have you watched the movie Flipped? It was similar to that, I guess. Only in that movie, the ending was non-tragic…

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Why did he loathe me so? Does an elementary pupil know how it truly feels to loathe… already? At that point in his young life, was I the one who introduced to him the dramatic sentiment of loathing?

Maybe he was deeply irritated with the fact that we were always thrown in together in some small world and that he was often forced to see me, to be with me, to talk to me, and to deal with me. Being “forced” to sit beside me in class, if not close to me, year after year, didn’t exactly help alleviate his childish disdain towards me either. In my part, I was thrilled, of course, I thought we were meant to be… haha! I even thought that the world conspired with Fate to put us together and I was in cahoots with them. In his young mind, perhaps, he thought he was being punished or mocked –  the exact opposite of what I was feeling.

I find this part funny, really. Imagine a good-looking, ruddy-cheeked boy – all prim and proper – chased daily by a chubby girl, decidedly larger than the boy himself, in matching fuchsia tank-top and shorts, with sunburnt skin and hair firmly clipped in place by a dozen or more flowers and butterflies of many colors.

Poor him; I must have made his elementary life miserable. Even though my intentions were veiled in pure kindness, I believe I came out too strong… and scary for him.

Oh, no! Was I his childhood bully?

It is no wonder that years after, he enrolled in a high school that he knew, I would never consider getting into. He went to a private Catholic high school where the tuition was much higher than the salaries of my parents combined. I ended up in a public laboratory high school where tuition was free (I guess) for me because my mother was a teacher there.

In a small coastal town where everyone seemed to know everybody by cultural idiosyncrasies and family connections, chances were plenty for us to run into each other. There were times when I saw him around town during those high school years – trying to live his life normally. I saw him hang around with his new set of friends; I saw him on his way to church; I saw him, alright. I believe his livid derision towards me grew more intense as we grew up; he became bitter. The guy never even looked at me! Not even to throw me a friendly greeting or acknowledgment that at least, we went to grade school together. You know, those “for old times’ sake” kind of greetings. He was fixated on the idea that I was his childhood nightmare!

Fancy that, considering I do not remember doing anything wrong towards him. Unless he thought that my crushing on him and publicly declaring so, was detrimental to his then potential career as the “it guy”.

               What have I done that was repulsive?

Was it my fault that we were forced to pair up with each other in a cha-cha dance number and had to practice such dance for months, only to end up not being able to perform that dance with him on stage because I arrived late during the performance and he ended up dancing with the most notorious spinster of a teacher who happened to be our dance instructor, Miss Fran****? Was it also my fault that he had been subjected to all that, wearing bloomers with glossy-paper, cut in circles, pinned all over; not to mention the clownish makeup we were required to wear on our faces – red lipstick used to draw circles over round cheeks dusted in white baby powder and all that?

I figured that it was from then on that he began “running away” from me. Our classmates’ constant teasing didn’t help either. My very existence seemed to him, a constant reminder of the humiliation he compulsively endured. I was, indeed, his living nightmare.

I tried to compensate for all that trouble for years following that. As I tried to be nice to him, I’ve developed a sticky kind of crushing towards him, too, for he was fair-skinned, red-lipped, with hair as black and shiny as the hair of Ben in A1 in the 90’s. I remember envisioning him as Ben’s younger brother or something. That didn’t help my cause; I know that now. I tried to get him to like me back, but I was unconsciously pushing him further away by my crazy antics.

              Should I have left him alone instead of carving our names on the wooden desk to “immortalize our love”… and for the next generation to see?Connections

Haha! The things I did for that childish “love” of mine…

He detested me, though.

Apparently, too much expression of “love” can cause damnable abhorrence… Was I not listening to the words of the Spice Girls: Too much of something is bad enough…?

There are more questions formed in my head now other than the singular query of why he hated me so. I was obliged to look at myself and re-evaluate: Are there things about me that need improvement like my self-esteem, perhaps… or my sense of self-worth, maybe?

As I delve into the meaning of this silly dream, I am looking deeper into my life. Do people have cause to run away from me?

              I wonder.

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*I’ll probably talk about the “buddy” in the dream some other time. His, is another story.

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